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January 14, 2014

Rose Simpson: Surviving the winter: Think like a kid

Rose Simpson's column appears every Tuesday morning on the OttawaStart Blog. She also blogs at Rose's Cantina.

As any kid will tell you, adults are stupid.

Adults worry about things that don't matter, we care about things that are not relevant and we put out too much effort in such endeavors as cleaning the house when it'll just get dirty and making the bed when the bed will just be unmade again in a few hours.

Kids understand it's important to save energy for killing zombies.

I see you there, shaking your head and wagging your finger, but they may be onto something. In fact, they may hold the key to surviving climate change.

Here is the kid's survival plan to keep you safe, in good weather and bad.

Shelter in place
When the temperature dips below freezing, it's best to curl up in the basement and play video games or try to find the real meaning of life from watching Green Day on the You Tube channel.

Stock up
Make sure your cave is fully equipped with supplies designed to give you energy including Skittles, Doritos and a full case of Red Bull which will give you wings during a crisis.

Telephone management
It is important to keep your laptop and smartphone fully charged and to have extra phones and chargers at the ready. There's no point, nor is it safe to go out in bad weather when all of your needs can be fulfilled on speed dial.

Be sure to wear loose clothing at all times. Good clothes, especially ties, can result in strangulation. Where will you wear a tie during the Zombie Apocalypse anyway?

Social media
There is no point reading a newspaper or watching the news when a weather crisis hits. That's what Facebook is for. Social media has all the tools needed to discover whose house is best equipped should your parents expire while driving your sister to swim class. And who needs an actual weather cast with actual temperatures when all you need to read is "shit, it's cold outside" to know it's best to stay in and away from class.

Conserve Energy
Any intelligent being knows it's dangerous to shovel the walk or clean off the car. Everybody knows snow isn't permanent. It will go away eventually. Why risk frostbite or a heart attack? That's how Grandpa Joe died! The best offense in bad weather is defensive sitting or eating.

Stay Calm
What's the difference between bad weather and good?

Two weeks. 

-- Rose Simpson
See also: Ottawa Weather Guide
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