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September 02, 2011

Fake Friday: Jaunty Mr. Peanut Detained By Police After Showing Up At Back To School Sale


Ottawa - In a bizarre incident, the jovial and monocle bespectacled Mr. Peanut was apprehended by a City Of Ottawa Tactical Police Squad at a local Staples store early Wednesday morning. 
Appearing to be purchasing some three-ring binders that were on sale, Mr. Peanut was forced to the ground and handcuffed before being transported to a waiting police van. 
Some concerned parents called 911 after fearing he may kill scores of school children who were shopping for back-to-school bargains in the same store. 
"My Kesha-Sandra was within ten feet of him, and I haven't had her allergy test results back yet, so I thought it best to call the police." a concerned parent remarked as the SWAT team questioned Mr. Peanut. 
Another parent, Leslie Ruthbert, who was getting some school supplies with her son, Jaiden, 8, expressed concern Mr. Peanut should not be allowed in public. "Jaiden could have been killed today!" Ruthbert screamed. "The school board is enforcing strict no-peanut butter sandwiches in the schools, and yet this menace is allowed to freely wander the streets?!" a rattled Ruthbert commented. 
Known for his usually easy-going nature promoting delicious salty nut snacks, Mr. Peanut was obviously shaken by the police take down in Staples and is seeking psychological aid after being constantly banished from most public spaces. 
"Right now we are questioning him and finding out why he would wander into a store that had so many peanut-allergic children in it." Police Chief Vern White explained. "Mr. Peanut is telling us he just wanted to get some discounted three-ring binders and had no idea he was such a threat to children, but we'll detain him for further questioning." White replied. 
After a colourful career as a wealthy snack magnate in the 1920's and 1930's Mr. Peanut refuses to give up his playboy lifestyle and continues to wear spats, a top hat and monocle. Close friend and fellow aristocrat, Monopoly Man was seen visiting Mr. Peanut at the Ottawa Police Station where Peanut will be released later in the day.
This article originally appeared on the-o-dot.

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