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May 06, 2011

Fake Friday: Tulips Torched Because They Are Too Much Damn Work

Ottawa - The annual Tulip Festival will look less colourful this year after the it was decided the flowers were too much work to maintain. Scheduled to open this weekend, the Tulip Festival has been adjusted with all the tulips being burned. Utilizing a controlled burn procedure in the various tulip gardens throughout the city, all that remains of the much anticipated blossoming tulips are some charred embers and a couple of squirrel eaten bulbs.
“The tulips were just too much damn work.” commented Tulip Director Simon Belanger who ordered the troublesome flowers torched Tuesday morning. “Those little bastards were demanding too much time and money just so they can look good for a bunch of tourists.” Belanger remarked from behind his Burn Operations Station desk near Dow’s Lake. “Once we get these weeds napalmed and completely cleared out, we can focus our efforts on more important festivals such as Ribfest and the Writers Festival.”
Using flame throwers and napalm bomb drops, all tulip gardens should be leveled and burned by Wednesday afternoon with no trace of the bothersome flowers remaining. Residents of the tulip garden areas of Dow’s Lake, the Arboretum, Major Hill Park and various canal greenspaces should remain indoors while the the tulips are being incinerated.

Editor's note: Most Fridays on OttawaStart, we feature a "best of" post from the-o-dot, the satirical Ottawa blog.

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