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October 01, 2010

Fake Friday: Massive Convent Now Planned For Lansdowne

Lansdowne Park - In a surprise buy-out from the City of Ottawa, the Sisters of Visitation cloistered nuns have purchased the entire Lansdowne Park area and plan to demolish everything and build a $500 billion dollar convent to replace the one they sold in Westboro last year.

Recent media coverage of the controversial Les Soeurs de la Visitation three-storey stone convent on Richmond Road has brought attention to the fact the nuns need a new home. The site was bought by developer Ashcroft Homes last year and plans for a nine-storey condo with street-level retail, a seniors' residence and designated community space have been announced for the debated Westboro site.

The nuns secretly amassed billions of dollars while at the covent and using funds from the Ashcroft purchase, have made a bold take over bid for Lansdowne Park, an offer the City of Ottawa could not refuse. "We are ecstatic about this recent new development with regards to Lansdowne," explained current Mayor larry O'Brien who signed the deal behind closed doors last night. "They offered us billions, and we are pleased to hear plans for a peaceful convent will be built on the site." remarked O'Brien.

The nuns revealed a develpoment plan during the purchase meeting, showing concept drawings of their new 45 acre convent that will basically cover the entire Lansdowne area. "This will be a state-of-the-art convent featuring wi-fi, internal solar generation, an indoor replica of the Holy Land and a 3,000 square foot confessional and Holy Water swimming pool." commented nun spokesperson Sister Guimond who spearheaded the purchase of Lansdowne. "We are excited to break ground this spring and have a place to call home again after losing our place in Westboro." replied Guimond.

Glebe residents are also excited at the prospect of the convent development since it will be an area of pure silence and lack of fun. "I couldn't be more pleased to hear a quiet place will be built here." Glebe resisbnet Belinda Lukanik-Smith beamed. "No more Super-Ex with its bright lights and washed up 80's bands!" Lukanik-Smith responded before heading back to her herbal garden to culivate organic figs for her book club meeting.
Editor's note: Every Friday on OttawaStart, we feature a "best of" post from the-o-dot, the satircal Ottawa blog. This article originally appeared here.

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