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January 27, 2004

Stupid questions, stupid answers

A long time ago ...

I used to edit the alt.pets.hamsters FAQ. (Now here.) I was cleaning out some e-mail today, and found this post from July 1999:

Most of the e-mail I get about the FAQ consists of questions that are
already answered in the FAQ. Some of the questions I received over the
past 3 or 4 months are so stupid that I thought I'd pass them along for
your entertainment:

1) I Want to know if you have any hampsters for sale?
>>>>>>First of all, this is a statement, not a question. But besides that, what if I did have hamsters for sale? Would I send them via courier? Hand-deliver them?

2) i caught my hamster licking himself down there. that's how i found out he was a dude. is this normal or is he lonely?
>>>>>>I enjoyed the snowboarder lingo in this one: 'down there', 'dude'. In any case, it's normal for an animal to lick himself (that's how they clean themselves), but judging from your e-mail, he may also be lonely.

>>>>>>Although the internet is pretty damn fast, it's not fast enough for me to save a dying hamster. I get dozens of "my hamster is sick, what should I do" e-mails. Go see a vet.

4) where in Perth can I buy hamsters - the pet stores don't seem to have
>>>>>>This person was from Perth **Australia**. She also wrote me a second letter, after I didn't reply to her initial question. I still haven't replied.

5) We are interested in purchasing a hamster. We live in Blue Bell PA,
near Norristown and Lansdale/Montgomeryville. Any recommended places
for a young hamster?
>>>>>>Hi, we live in Assf**k U.S.A.. The Walmart here doesn't sell pets, and the clerk at the Burger King doesn't know of any pet stores around the city. Can you help?

6) one of my hamsters has unusually large testicles what is wrong with him?
>>>>>>Insert Richard Gere joke here.

7) Can i keep these furballs in my room? Do they carry diseases fatal to
humans? Please help.
>>>>>>Hamsters are the leading cause of AIDS, obesity, and dementia in children.

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